Confessions of a Board Game B***h

Hello and welcome to another instalment of the Treehouse’s agony aunt column! This one is slightly unusual because instead of a ‘Dear Auntie Chella’ letter, today I have a conversation for you which I had with a friend who approached me about her issue in person. 

I will now relay this conversation to you, dear readers, in case it helps someone else.

BGB: You’re writing an advice column for the Treehouse now?! Can you help me out with something? 

Chella: Sure - go for it. 

BGB: Help! I'm a board game bitch! 

Readers, I blinked a few times. We took the rest of the conversation to text messages later that day, in a conversation that the aforementioned 'BGB' has happily agreed that I can share. 

Chella: So you say you’re a what now?

BGB: A board game bitch.

Chella: And you are happy for me to call you this in print?

BGB: Yes, I own it.

Chella: And let me just check, can anyone of any gender be one of these?

BGB: Oh definitely, but I claim the crown.

Chella: What are your worst symptoms of board game bitchiness? Bitchery? Bitchdom? Bitchhood? I am not used to saying this word. Please stop me. 

BGB: My worst symptoms? Irrational squeakiness, incandescent fury, and lengthy sulking. I get far too mean and loud and competitive and make my husband hate me. We are only able to play Monopoly once a year. I just lose my temper and can’t control myself.

Chella: Okay… which games are your worst culprits?

BGB: Monopoly, of course, and Dobble and Snap I get far too into.

Chella: Well are there any games that I don’t know… soothe you? 

BGB: Any that soothe me? Not sure I've really found any yet 😂  I do like Fungi though. Who can get angry about pans of butter?

Chella: That is an excellent point. OK, I think I can help you. Usually the letter is anonymised by me naming the person after an alliterative part of Sheffield, in traditional agony aunt style. Are you happy to be The Board Game Bitch of Broomhill?

BGB: Sure… close enough.

Chella: Very well, check the Treehouse blog for my reply.

Dear Board Game Bitch of Broomhill,

Thank you for entrusting me with this problem. I can help you, but it may not be the sort of help you were looking for. Are you ready? 

Step one: remove Monopoly from your roster of games, recycle what you can and make a diorama with the houses and hotels as an anti-capitalist display of some sort. Maybe earrings? …Or string them up as Christmas tree decorations. Not just because this game brings out your inner super villain, but also - in an opinion many board gamers hold themselves and will find unsurprising to see here - compared to all the great games out there, Monopoly is pretty rubbish. It notoriously brings out the worst in people, so it’s no wonder you are struggling to stay calm or enjoy this game. If you are shocked at this advice, just remember that there’s a whole world of games out there designed to be so much better than Monopoly as to not drive everyone toward some sort of evil, board-flipping showdown.

I have a hunch that the games that wind you up the most are the ones designed to cause tension. Board games don’t have to make you feel that way, you know. Read on for some suggestions that might begin to change your expectations about what a gaming session can involve…

Relaxing games

It’s great that you like Fungi (I’m not doing the ‘anyone who likes Fungi is a fun guy by me’ pun and I hope you appreciate that). If grown-up games with calming themes could help you, here are some others to try…

• Wingspan is a medium-weight, ornithology-themed game for 1 to 5 players, which is beautifully designed and delicately illustrated and ideal for un-ruffling feathers. Under the hood, there’s still a hint of Monopoly-esque buying and selling to keep things interesting, but it’s more about eating fish and laying eggs than picking up utilities and placing hotels. It even has a slightly less competitive version you can toggle to simply by - don't get excited now - flipping the board over … but it’s for using the more chill side.

• Tsuro is a game for two to eight players which is highly competitive and actually quite brutal, yet also, conversely, not unlike taking a leisurely stroll through a Zen garden. You are each dragons (represented by colourful stones) flying along a path (represented by leisurely lines that loop their way across square tiles) determined by the placement of each unique tile. Your path may take you off the board or into another player, which eliminates you both from the game, or perhaps you’ll be lucky and skilful enough to place the path that keeps your dragon in play the longest. Never have I seen what is essentially a Battle Royale for playing pieces rendered more peacefully and beautifully. 

• Patchwork is a quite simply lovely game for two players where you design your own patchwork quilt. There’s a gentle element of competition because you are technically racing your opponent to the best patchwork squares to fill your board in the most space-efficient way, but I mean seriously, it’s a patchwork quilt. What could be more wholesome than that? The pieces are sweet, the currency is buttons, and the stakes are reassuringly low. Give this game a try and discover you’re not a monster!

Cooperative games

You know about these right? It may not be what you’d expect from a game night but a few of you working together to compete against the game can be even more satisfying because you win in a group rather than winning on your own. The other people around the table aren’t your enemies, they are your comrades in arms.

• Exit: The Game. Want a low-commitment way to dip your toe into the cooperative genre? I suggest Exit: The Game, which is a whole series of escape-room-in-a-box-style games (see this article for more on that genre). This game has a time limit challenge which I think you will find particularly handy for keeping your attitude in check: there’s a penalty for wasting time whinging and you’ve only got yourself to blame if a board flip means you’re trapped forever in a crypt or a cemetery or on an island etc. Not only that, but the Exit series are games that you can only play once. There are spoilers, cards you have to write on or tear up, and once you know the solution it's not really something you can play again. This should help you stay present in the moment and appreciate the joy of spending time with family or friends and doing some creative problem solving together. Once it’s gone, it’s gone (in a ‘say count your blessings without saying count your blessings’ sort of way).

• Unicorn Glitterluck: Cloud Stacking. Does your typical gaming session include children? Then try this! Other than the fact that it has a name which is basically daring you not to swear in front of five-year-olds, it is adorable. This game nominally involves rolling a die and following instructions slightly strategically (or with as much strategy as a pre-schooler can handle, in any case). The goal is to create a castle for a blessing of unicorns (you see, even the collective noun for unicorns wants you to chill out) by stacking little wooden unicorns on little wooden clouds. But wait, there’s more! At the same time as you are creating this cloud and unicorn cluster...luck, you also need to collect little pink gemstones and place them around your castle. If this childish and ridiculous game somehow sends you into a glittery rage or sees you modifying the rules to turn it into some version of Squid Game then I confess I would be curious to see that!

Finally, I’m not saying throw out all the games you own (except Monopoly) if they don’t fit with the above. I think there are takeaways that will help you in some way if applied to games you have already got. Here are three take-home pointers that may be of use:

• Make it cuter. One things most of these games have in common is the pieces are sweet and the game design features attractive and friendly aesthetics. Wingspan has pastel-colour eggs and beautiful bird artwork. Patchwork tetrominoes? Come on. But nothing is stopping you from creating beautiful accoutrements for all of your games. (A-cute-trements? Sorry). Replace pieces to games you already have with upgraded versions that you can make yourself or find online that are tactile or make you invest more emotionally in your game.

• Change the rules - make a game easier or sillier or more cooperative as you see fit. If the games are making you angry as they are, and everyone agrees, just remove or ignore the element that's causing the trouble (although… if you you do this and it turns out that YOU are the element, you may have to excuse yourself to a darkened room for game nights). 

• And last but certainly not least, invest more emotionally in the people you are playing games with. An evening spent putting together a bespoke storage box, painting miniatures to use as upgraded playing pieces, or even just sleeving cards together can be very satisfying and help you feel a sense of kindness toward your partner and attachment to preserving the game itself so you can enjoy it for many years to come. Once you’ve spent time cultivating a positive relationship with the game, hopefully this will help carry that feeling over even when your opponent screws it all up for you.

Oh yeah - and if there are any other self-identifying board game bitches out there for whom the bitchiness is part of the fun, and where everyone around the table is as catty as you, then what can I say? You have found yourself in a blessing of unicorns: an almost unattainable group of friends or family members who relish a level of competitiveness commensurate with your own. My only advice to you is this. Revel in it, bask in it, take special pleasure in the fact that the phrase 'board game bitch' has the same cadence as 'Ballroom Blitz’.

Crank up the Tia Carrere version and dance around the room flipping boards and chucking about tiny green plastic houses to your heart’s content.

Yours very truly,

Chella on behalf of Team Treehouse xx

Do you have a board game related query? Send your question to contact@treehousesheffield.com for a heartfelt reply containing an upsetting number of puns.

Chella Quint is a Treehouse staffer, board gamer, and author of the books Be Period Positive and Own Your Period.